Promises

Promises are shit

We speak the words we breath

Present air will have to do

Rearrange and see it through

Stupid fucking words

They tangle us in our desires

Free me from this give and take

Free me from this great debate --Fugazi

Over the past year I've accumulated nearly 4 volumes of hand written journals, coupled with a daily market journal. I don't have to rely upon my memory alone to recreate the accounts which is beneficial since having a series of notes in real time has been useful to envision with better accuracy what exactly I was thinking or feeling at the time. Themes clearly stood out.

I expressed in a recent post a disheartening experience: going through my journal posts and noting the same theme from a post a week previous that extended a run on sentence from my second journal entry a year previous. I wasn't completely ignoring the issue as evident by the numerous entries, however I was clearly –perhaps intentionally –oblivious to investigating further and/or modifying the behavior regardless of it being in my best interest to do so. I wasn't so much blind as myopic since I could see it – however fuzzily, but...

Upon repeated readings a disturbing thought evoked, I was a victim of an internal domestic dispute and each hollow promise took on the intonation associated with the phrase, “I promise baby, I'll never hurt you again!” Suddenly my journals felt like a never ending episode of Cops projected on my eyelids and I couldn't find the remote to change the channel. For a period of time I was dejected and demoralized, but I realized this state of mind would accomplish little and that if ever there was a time to change this behavior it was now.

It was during this moment of perturbation that I decided to rephrase the questions I asked myself. It isn't so much about asking the right questions since this presupposes knowing the corresponding answer, but merely asking any and all questions because it can not be known which one will be jarring. Through asking questions it became clearer that if I simply took the time to address what I neglected to begin with, and it wasn't a very difficult task really, then not only is a burden lifted, but the knowledge gleamed from this process could be applied to other behaviors that needed to be altered as well. Instead of being blinded by the problems like sun through a windshield, they'd begin to tip over like dominoes.

Proceeding through each journal I began to maintain a bucket list of key words and phrases, as well as core ideas and concepts that repeated throughout. There were plenty of “promises” clustered through the pages, the usual suspects: trade the plan, keep the stops, exit at profits, don't do this or that again, why the fuck did I do it again; page after page of discomfort and pain like stick figure illustrations found in the corner pages of a grade school text book that when flipped animate.  

One of the values of journaling every day is that unbeknownst to be at the time I was in essence building a composite of myself –if I was willing to listen. Since each book is specific to one task at hand- trading and the frame work thereof, I have built over time a self-character and have pinpointed quite clearly where my strength and weaknesses are. From this, I am better informed of where my attention should be drawn and more importantly have a better understanding of my trading persona. From this I can now become better specified in what works for me, what methods and strategies to employ, and how to build working methods around my personality that mesh and feel like a natural extension of who I am.

It is said that insanity is trying the same thing over expecting a different outcome, however when the outcome results in a light bulb it is called genius. Perseverance as exhibited by the likes of Edison is considered virtuous, but the same thought repeated ad infinitum in a note book –neurotic compulsiveness. Perhaps this is a legitimate differentiation, and perhaps in doing the same thing every day I'm skirting the thin veil of insanity, but perhaps one time I'll have that AHA! sensation after a thousand disappointments as well.  

Approximately a years worth of journals

 I thought I'd share some of the thoughts that have come to my attention through this process:

First go through and create a bucket list of what repeats time again.  Consistent repetition of an idea signifies importance.

Identify and separate habits and problem spots and prioritize by those that can be broken and/or managed the easiest and are the most controllable, even if it is something as simple as not getting enough rest, or poor diet, or exercise. Resolving the simplest will be an accomplishment, and build skills and insight on dealing with others, and perhaps some might be instantly resolved or simplify from there forward. It's important though to complete one before moving onward.

Research as thoroughly as possible the problem spots that time and again manifest in the journal and are the most difficult to break. Find skills to resolve them, study how others have resolved them or reach out and ask someone else.

Categorize the consistent themes of trading ideas and concepts. Build your personal composite trader. What style is that trader drawn to? What captures that traders imagination? What comforts or discomforts that trader? Ask as many questions of who that trader is and then ask questions about the trader you are now. Do they mesh or are you choosing to be a trader you want to be and not the trader you are?